How can I learn to let go?
Wednesday, 1 January 2025
Romantic and emotional at heart, I always assumed my partner would be my safe space, but that did not happen. Over time, my wife (a housewife) has become rather difficult. There is a visible shift in her behavior. She is loudly critical, demanding, and nagging, holding back all kinds of affection. Worst of all, her behavior often pitches me against our son (and it becomes difficult for me to avoid and save face). In fact, instead of being my safe space, she has turned into another battle in my life.
Digging into the past, a longstanding issue has been our disagreement about my financial support for my parents - a commitment deeply rooted in my personal, religious, and cultural beliefs. This disagreement has shaped the narrative of our family life and strained our relationship since the beginning. With the passing of my parents, I now grapple with lingering feelings of loss and guilt, wishing I could have done more for them during their lifetimes.
Moreover, meaningful conversations between my wife and me are thwarted by her unwillingness to engage in rational discussions. Whenever I attempt to convey my perspective, I am met with dismissal. She often retorts, “You have answers to everything,” which stifles the possibility of constructive dialogue. As a result, I frequently feel unheard, and unresolved issues linger like shadows over our interactions.
Unfortunately, my wife has consistently refused to acknowledge her mistakes or take responsibility for her actions. Moreover, she has shown no willingness to work towards resolving our issues and restoring a sense of normalcy to our relationship. She doesn’t hesitate to put me down in front of children. Shielding behind the children and refusing to communicate or find a resolution has left me frustrated, hurt, and unsure about our future together (whatever is left of the future). This behavior has shredded my self-esteem…
Our kids grew up in a house where arguments were the norm. Seeing daily bickering, disputes, and shouting matches had a big impact on them.
Life's struggles have made me frugal (call me miser). With my legacy already destined for family, I prioritize prudence, questioning the value of excessive spending. For instance, I ask myself: why invest in repairing the floor when the luxurious drawing room offers no sense of comfort?
Thanks to my full-time job, my days are consumed by work. Staying home constantly would have been even more isolating (I had a daunting experience during COVID-19). At my home, it feels like living in a temporary residence, distant from the comforts of home.
I don't want to take extreme steps after 45 years of marriage and 5 kids, but I keep thinking that I don’t deserve this. This worry is getting serious with every passing day.
How will I spend my old age? One of my daughters once said, “Think about those who don’t have anyone to live with.” Another one added, “Allah is the best of planners. He will make up for what you don’t have.”
One of the girls, who I think is very bold and the wisest, says, “You have lost your chances due to your weakness. Now, the only thing you can do is endure with grace.”
None of the kids is in a position to influence any of us. Seeing me in miserable condition, children privately sympathize with me, but that is about all they can do. I am sure the kids sympathize with their mother, too. They should, though it is difficult for them to balance. Children, perhaps, can't choose between the two of us.
The situation is taking a toll on our son for two reasons. On one hand, he's deeply concerned about both of us and our well-being. On the other hand, he's hesitant to involve his newlywed wife, likely due to her perceptiveness. Despite his wife’s probable suspicions, we're all maintaining a facade of normalcy so far.
Lately, I've noticed my daughters becoming distant and quiet as if they're giving me the silent treatment. They have been withdrawing from me emotionally, and it's causing concern. I'm unsure how to bridge the gap between us.
I have been following the troubling stories surrounding local TV actor Firdous Jamal. Rumors of his separation after 35 years of marriage, alongside his health struggles (battle with cancer) and the ensuing controversies, claims, and counterclaims by his son, are unsettling reminders of the fragility of relationships.
I asked myself about the solution to my mental miseries and the answer was, “All this is a result of expectations, assumptions, and complaints. Stop expecting, complaining, (and assuming), you will be perfectly all right.”
After careful consideration, I've come to believe that my wife's behavior has significantly impacted me (beyond any reprisal). Despite this, I've decided to take the high road and forgive her. Moving forward, I aim to prioritize our family's well-being by being more accommodating, avoiding arguments, and ensuring a peaceful home environment, not for the sake of our relationship, but for the benefit and happiness of our children.
Labels: XAI
posted by S A J Shirazi @ Wednesday, January 01, 2025,
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