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Should marriages have timelines?

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Year ago my friend Rose’s post on Lessons Learned is thought provoking (and gutwrenching) - and topical! Should marriages have time line? This post came up again since I have started thinking about intellectual chemistry of the partners (How I was living in peace before this subject came under microscope).

What do you think about this? I recently joined in a conversation by a group of men who were talking about marriage. The premise was this, marriage should have a timeline. One guy said it should be a law that marriages should be terminated on the 1oth year. He felt that this was the time that boredom set in and the roving eyes really started. The other men were in agreement.

What do you think? Should marriages have a timeline. If we had the choice to set timelines on our marriages, would you?

Where the society is moving to? Come on confess!

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posted by S A J Shirazi @ Friday, September 07, 2012,

19 Comments:

At 11:50, Anonymous Kat said...

Since we are actually talknig about adults I would say that everybody should have to decide on his own when a marriage is broken or not. On the end hand you should know what you are doing when you get married. Normally this isa promise to love someone for the rest of your life. Sometimes you really have to wonder about people why they ever got married. And there are always to parts (or more) involved in a marriage so yu cannot blame it only on part that this marriage is boring.

 
At 14:18, Anonymous Marz said...

If that man thinks that a marriage will guarantee boredom, then he should step back, pull whatever he exposed from his pants back inside his pants and take a look around. Marriages aren't about time, but defiling it. Shouldn't that type of love ideally last a lifetime? Sure, there are people who end up with failed marriages, but I am sure they had some of that 'transcends time' mentally when they got hitched.

 
At 18:02, Blogger Alina said...

Actually, this theory is not new in Goethe's Elective Affinities, a character stated that each marriage should be a 5-year contract, that will be automatically prolongued unless the two stated the marriage is over. This getting out possibility would actually bring passion and stability to the marriage.

I think that if the couple is happy, for as long as they are happy, marriage is really not a burden for them, nor the time spent in it. Yet there are always crisis moments and the way the two people involved handle them shows how strong, loving and committed their relationship is. There is no perfect marriage, if by that you think of "no problems ever"!

 
At 18:07, Blogger Teresa said...

Hard to say, but if they do--10 years is too long!

 
At 19:07, Blogger DCS said...

Good comments here. What Kayla says is particularly interesting.

One thing that we are running into now is that people are simply living longer than they did a century or two ago. Oftentimes, your spouse simply died while they were still relatively young. Many married again after being widowed. It's important to understand that our culture has changed in that respect.

Even so, I think there is something to be said for the sanctity of marriage. For a marriage to work, it requires a commitment by both spouses, unconditional love and the willingness to always work on the relationship.

In my humble opinion, you get out of marriage what you put into it. If you go into a marriage thinking that it's a contract - capable of being broken - you're setting up your marriage for failure.

I am in total agreement in what Marz says. As I see it, marriage should be viewed as a covenant, not a contract.

 
At 22:56, Blogger DIAMONDKT said...

I've heard of something called "the 7 year itch". Maybe that would be the magical number to stay in a marriage. That sounds really cold, but so does the fact that people would consider putting a timeline on their marriage. I think doing something like that would only up the divorce rate higher than the 50% that it's at now.

 
At 02:49, Blogger Id it is said...

Are genuine commitments timebound?
Marriage is definitely a commitment, and depending on what answer you give to the question above, would determine whether 'marriages have timelines".

 
At 05:15, Blogger Jaimie said...

Marriage is not exactly something that can lay on a timeline-but I think people are.

For instance, if you are with someone with addictions, I believe you should give yourself and your spouse a timeline for when they will get help-if they don't, most co-dependent groups will tell you to leave.

Another scenario: if you are with someone who cheats/cheated. Try counseling for a while, and if the behavior doesn't change within a timely manner, you should probably leave.

Marriages CAN stand the test of time if you are with the right person. It is natural to want more-this is human nature. But it is also natural to want to be love, admired, and respected.

 
At 06:17, Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

I guess it already has a timeline. People can get divorced at any point. So no problem with getting out.

I've been married for 48 years. I'm guessing that we didn't get bored. Actually I don't think boredom is the true problem with marriages that don't make it. Some of those marriages just never should have happened. Folks just want everything to be EASY. Life is full of flaws. You have to work at it.

If people are going to have children, then they should agree to a longer timeline than 10 years.

 
At 08:25, Blogger Malik said...

I think the folks who point out that marriage is a covenant make the most important point. If you think of marriage as anything else, then it's probably best that you don't get married in the first place. Marriage can be extraordinarily beautiful and it can also be extraordinarily demanding. "Unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required."

 
At 09:35, Blogger Rose said...

Shirazi-
I am often surprise by what I hear. I have been married 21 years and I can say this, it is something that you work on. But as one of your writers' say it is an important step and you have to make sure that you are marrying the right person for the right reasons. You change as you age and you have to keep each other excited, have fun, go into separate rooms when needed, retreat and make up and have commonality. Marriage is a covenant not a contract. Those guys just want to sow their oats. Thanks for discussing this. By the way, I hope society is not heading to the pits.

 
At 09:35, Blogger Rose said...

Shirazi-
I am often surprise by what I hear. I have been married 21 years and I can say this, it is something that you work on. But as one of your writers' say it is an important step and you have to make sure that you are marrying the right person for the right reasons. You change as you age and you have to keep each other excited, have fun, go into separate rooms when needed, retreat and make up and have commonality. Marriage is a covenant not a contract. Those guys just want to sow their oats. Thanks for discussing this. By the way, I hope society is not heading to the pits.

 
At 11:28, Blogger Tanzila said...

marriage needs to be worked upon every day...if it gets stale, it needs to be worked upon. If a marraige is worth walking out of after 10 yrs, then it's woth walking out of in 10 days, why waste 10 yrs to decide that. i think that to find soemone to love, to live with for the rest of ur life is miracle enough, why throw it away? A life time is not enough! A loner knows the value of company, power of the twain.

 
At 13:13, Blogger Deb S. said...

I love that last sentence by Malik. So true!

 
At 22:50, Blogger Doug said...

10 years sounds like a really long time. How about quarterly?

 
At 23:31, Blogger Rain said...

No!
I don't agree with this, if I won't be commited for a lifetime then I shouldn't be married from the first place..it all depends on the right choice from the beginning.

 
At 10:20, Blogger Sajini Chandrasekera said...

The post and the comments were very interesting . Marriage use to be a life time commitment two decades ago but now most are interested in getting out of marriage than hanging in . Why were our grandparents and out parents happy in marriage and this generation is unhappy? why are our demands much higher than the previous generation ? Why we don't value and respect marriage these days and most of all where did we go wrong ?
Marriage is a partnership between two souls and they both have to play a fair game to keep up a good marriage. With time we devalue our spouse and life become a bore . We get use to certain pattern and we loose the excitement in the relationship . We take love for granted in marriage and make demands . With time most loose respect in each other and start complaining than supporting .Marriage is a journey together and
if you meet the right person i believe that marriage can be heaven

 
At 21:15, Blogger S A J Shirazi said...

Are any right persons still out there?

 
At 08:20, Anonymous Kausar Bilal said...

I think, if we determine a timeline for marriages, we will not be able to even meet it, rather we will come out of it earlier. Also, we will never be ready for commitment and working on our marriage. So, it should be a love relationship and for a life time. We should create an awareness in people how to choose their life partners and how to work on their relationships. If a marriage doesn't work, people will get out of it automatically.
I don't believe that trying is wasting one's life. In fact, it will be a precious experience that will enable one to make better choices in future.

 

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